Everton (1) 1 Stoke 0
Saturday 12th August 2017 3pm
The sun is out, the pitch is being hosed down, and an atrocious (nay, hideous!) Everton Supporters song is blaring from the Goodison speakers. With 2 new players on the pitch & 2 on the bench, Sparky is playing a load of defenders & a load of strikers, so this (as Peter Cushing says in Star Wars) had better work! Everton have some guy called Wayne Rooney returning from a footballing career.
Minute 01: The 3rd kick of the game is an Everton goal kick. The 4th is a throw in. Not promising really.
02 Darren Fletcher looks like he’s playing for Tony Pulis, ball going everywhere.
03 Rooney savagely knocks over Fletcher in a tackle Pulis would be proud of. I feel an early card coming on.
09 Diouf, that famous right back, forgets himself for a second , and thinks he’s a striker again, testing the keeper for a corner.
11 Rooney gives Butland a hard time, winning himself a throw-in. Stoke fans respond, pointing out how rotund he is these days.
14 Joe Allen whizzing around with the look of a Ryan Gosling in La La Land. Bojan looks like his younger brother.
16 Fletcher looking like the older brother Ryan Shawcross never wanted…
19 First real shot on goal, by Everton’s Gueye. Good physical game, but the midfield area is often left empty.
24 With little chance of a goal (despite a corner for Everton), our attention is drawn to the subs bench: Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting (every commentators nightmare), Ramadan Sobhi (every commentators dream), & Charlie Adam (take your pick).
28 Allen gives an innocent tug on Rooney’s sleeve as he passes, and it’s a yellow for Joe. Well, I was right about the card.
32 Allen throws the ball away in disgust…he’s obviously wanting an early shower for his Gosling haircut.
34 Rooney (clearly the tallest player on the pitch) heads away a Stoke corner for the 3rd time.
37 Rooney’s hair looking particularly becoming, but it’s no Joe Allen.
41 Bojan gets blown over again by the wind…
44 Stoke attack breaks down as ref gives free kick to the Toffees for having the sun in their eyes…or being distracted by a pigeon…or something…
45 +1 0-1 !!!!! Would you believe it, Wayne Rooney (the tallest player etc…) heads home from way out (well, near the penalty spot)! Gutting for Stoke. Media have a field-day!!!
HALF_TIME Everton 1 Stoke 0
48 Everton have started the time-wasting. It’s going to be a long second half for Stoke fans…
52 Butland punches Calvert-Lewin & somehow gets away with it! He must have got something of the ball as it’s a corner.
54 Shaqiri lobs a cross in and Stoke look scary for 2 seconds.
55 After a cracking Rooney through-ball, Kurt Zouma makes last ditch tackle to save Butland having to punch anyone else.
59 Fletcher blasts just wide, & Berahino claims penalty on edge of area. But Stoke still a mile away from scoring. Warming up on the touchline is Choupo-Moting, Ramadan and, er, Glen Johnson.
65 Joe Allen having to be patient as he’s being kicked off the park. Attendance 39,045.
69 Zouma gives the ball away, does the splits, & falls over like he’s been shot, but Butland returns the earlier favour & saves his bacon, batting the shot for a corner.
71 Sparky decides it’s time to counter the heading threat of Rooney by putting on Crouch for Saido. Choupo-Moting comes on for Bojan to REALLY show everyone what good hair is all about!
74 Shawcross does a stunning Bobby-Moore tackle on Lewin.
75 Crouch and Diouf perform acrobatic tricks in the penalty area (overhead kicks etc), but keeper Pickford is unimpressed, saving convincingly.
77 Stoke’s back 5 looking as “stale” as The Guardian observed yesterday. However, Stoke fans reckon this must be a library.
79 Choupo-Moting’s turn for acrobatics, taking out a Toffee defender. Ooops!
82 Stoke fans give Crouchy a hearty cheer for missing the ball. Then inexplicably break into Delilah.
85 Martina booked for pulling Choupo-Moting’s shirt, obviously wanting a closer look as if he can’t believe Stoke have managed to fit that number of letters on Eric’s back.
90+2 Shaqiri doing his best to stop this game being last on Match Of The Day with a super strike finger-tip saved by Pickford!
90+4 Nah, Everton & Rooney pinch it by 1-0. Stoke looked fairly solid, but could wait till doomsday before scoring. Is Berahino finished? Players leave pitch to another AWFUL Everton song…& then yet another one! Get me out of here! Ugh!